Headline puns provoke furrowed brows
Blank page. Check Facebook.
Mike Richards likes this. Back to blank page. “Ooh, I wonder if I’ve received
any good emails?”..... No. While I’m here, might as well check the news pages.
No updates. Blank page. THINK! Blank page. Check Facebook. Look up some good
writers, see if there’s anything I can plagiarise. Feel bad about considering
cheating. BLANK PAGE. The page seems to be getting blanker, this isn’t fair!
This was not in the rules! Check Facebook.
Blank page.
In case you’re confused,
this is about as close as an unskilled writer like me can get to adequately
describing the futility of the writing process. I’m sure many of you with
reflections or lab reports due anytime between now and forever will no doubt
identify with a seemingly ubiquitous pattern—that of the symbiotic relationship
between the blank page and the work avoidance strategy.
Making cups of tea (or
coffee if you’re incessantly european), “checking” Facebook (presumably in case
it’s gone anywhere), textnig your mates, calling your mates, doing your
laundry, cutting your nails, watching that hilarious cat video on YouTube (OMG
SO FUNNY!!!!!! LOL), and while I think about it I really could do with getting
another set of keys cut. All valid, tried –and-tested bona fide genuine work
avoidance techniques, whose use I heartily endorse.
But ultimately, these
techniques are inherently flawed, in that they will not get the job done. So
how to overcome the writer’s block that plagues even the best of us from time
to time?
There are two schools of
thought: the first involves discipline, concentration and application. The
other is the skiver’s way. This way is high-risk, but also high-reward, as the
reward is lots of free time to do fun stuff!
There are myriad short-cuts,
ploys, schemes, and machinations to help you flesh out a blank page. The first
is to use a farcical amount of synonyms—free words! Also you can use words that
are different but mean the same thing, and use them all in a row so that where
you would have used one word, you can use five!
You can also make the same
point twice, and make it look like you’re either making it simpler for the fans
of “plain speaking” out there, or you can word it slightly differently to
appeal to another demographic. If you are particularly skilled in this you can
get two paragraphs for the price of one!
If you’re approximately
halfway through a piece of writing and feels like it’s lacking a bit of punch,
put in some made-up statistics. In fact, a recent study by the Ofcom found that
98.7% of all British newspaper articles contain misrepresented statements or
simply ouright lies, often in the form of statistics. Be careful with this,
though, as coursework requires that you reference your facts, whereas some magazine
printed by the SU isn’t nearly as careful with the fact-checking.
Another good way to chew up
some space is to write in a larger font or simply double space everything you
write. A word of warning, though: this will flummox only the
least experienced of
markers, so use this one only if you
are
really desperately out of inspiration!
Essentially, these tactics
serve a purpose, but will get you nowhere in the long run. All that will be
left is a bunch of wasted words on a useless bit of paper with no meaning
attached to them that anyone with the misfortune of reading will regret
immediately, possibly pausing to reflect on what noble endeavour could have bee
undertaken in that lost ten minutes of their life; before either covering your
“fiasco de resistance” in red pen, or replacing their coffee mug on top of it
(depending on context, of course). But hey, your clinic reflection was in on
time.
There is a secret third way:
getting a deadline. I think the complex psychology involved in this is put best
by Charlie Brooker:
“Just pay someone larger than
you to kick your knees until they fold the wrong way if you don't hand in 800
words by five o'clock. You'll be amazed at what comes out.”
Well
said Mr Brooker. And just like that, suddenly the page is nowhere near as blank
as it was.
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